The Wedding of the Year?

Villagers in Urchfont St Mange didn't realise what they'd started when they began a petition to demand that miserabalist 'singers' James Blunt and Dido become husband and wife with immediate effect. From a few barely legible signatures grumpily scribbled over the post office counter, the movement has grown so that even world leaders are now going from door-to-door getting signatures for what quickly became dubbed 'The Marriage of the Year'. In quiet London, over twenty people signed in just under a week. In Glasgow, a barely known village in Scotland, an amazing eleven people signed up outside just one off license. Half of Pink Floyd signed in between making hit pop records, and even the Queen was said to be 'considering her options'.

Betty Ozone-Layer, the grumpy old bag that started the ball rolling, is perplexed and puzzled. 'I'm perplexed and puzzled,' she told this blog's reporter over a pint of liquidised haddock in the village local. 'I thought Didos were extinct. I've had people phoning me up from all over the world, including Salisbury. They want to know when the happy day is.'

Further along the village street Ted Tumour was happy to talk to me about the whole thing. 'Never heard of 'em,' he choked between puffs on a huge pipe. ''Spect they're down from London, dropping litter and blocking up our septic tanks with their drug-induced projectile vomiting'.

Meanwhile attempts to contact the happy couple were rebuffed by burly security guards Tamsin and Bunty-Jane, who were standing guard outside their adjacent mansions in sleepy London.

'F*** off or we'll kick your kidneys clean out of their sockets,' were all they could say. I left in a hurry but not before I saw the curtains twitching in the happy pair's vast sprawling complexes. Will the stork be paying avisit soon?